SUCC 2nd XI v University of Bath 2nd XI on Sun 11 May 2014 at 12:30
SUCC Lost by 99 runs

Match report 'Showers > Bath > Southampton'

After a week of persuasion by Mr. Cricket Robert Gill an earlier start time was agreed so the SUCC contingent would be punctual to the Vixen meal. At the agreed time of 10am, nine men of Wessex arrived on concourse where a world first took place, with Kumo ‘Diversity’ Sharma turning up on time in the TT. Alas two of the team did not quite get the ‘meet time memo,’ firstly a call to Bateman at 10.02 was met by the response ‘What time is the meet? I’m still in bed…’ followed by a call to Jayden at 10.03 was greeted by a snore. Armed with plenty of tea, 11 of Wessex’s ‘finest’ men, rather belatedly, made their way to Wide Lane.
After a groin stretch which was met by a call of ‘2’ from Joony Coates (sowwie Joony..) for ‘My blowjob was like a massage, it sent tingles down my spine..’ (Coates 2014), Royals promptly lost the toss and SUCC were sent into the field. Another tight and reliable opening spell from perpetual tourists CJ and Bateman soon had Bath 3 down for very few runs. The introduction of The Wheelie Bin, Chris Royals, led to an inspired spell of bowling picking up 3 wickets, ably aided by Huddy who bagged himself yet more fantasy points with a few more wickets. As the pressure increased so did the quality of the chat, the pick of the bunch being ‘You couldn’t even middle it with a piano…’ (Bateman 2014), the high class mind games continued to aid the bowlers, along with a faultless display behind the stumps by a contented Jonny Rye. An excellent bowling and fielding display meant Bath were bowled out for 155, a total which Wessex were quietly, and very falsely, confident about chasing.
Jonny Rye came up trumps with a 7/10 tea, a wide range of sandwiches and Doritoes aiding this high score, Rye also negotiated fellow fresher Alex ‘The Assault’ Standsfield’s sabotage attempt with a tactically placed water machine. Conversation flowed between date nights, the evenings Vixen dinner, the upcoming AGM and Royals’ ever imperative advice ‘There is nothing wrong with girls with big foreheads..’ (Royals 2014.)
The anticipated opening partnership of Joony Coates and Jonny Rye lasted a very limited amount of time, as Rye wafted at a wide one (mirroring his policy with the ladies) and was back in the hutch, soon followed by Coates and Holcombe. Although a little resistance was shown by Jayden and Kumo it was an all too familiar story for SUCC with wickets falling in very quick succession. The mood was slightly lifted by the arrival of club legend and finest leg spinner Andrew Wooding, however much to the frustration of skipper Royals wickets were falling quicker than a Jonny Coates pull attempt. Anger soared when Bath’s scorer revealed they were fielding their first XI although it offers little solace for the batting display from Wessex. When SUCC’s specialist number 11 and most accomplished batsman was bowled playing a defensive shot the game was concluded with Wessex bowled out for an embarrassing 55, which a assured looking CJ finishing 7 not out.
After the ‘broken hairdryer’ treatment from Royals attention turned to the showers. Admiration of Jayden’s shlong, a shower selfie for the Vixens and a grope of Coatsey’s bum by Bateman soon lifted the mood. As many of you aware there was the monumental event, the Vixen ball that evening, please refer to Appendix One for more information on the proceedings of the night.. As for SUCC focus now turns to the next game where a vast improvement is needed as relegation becomes a possibility…
MoM- Royals for a Ashley Giles inspired spell of bowling
Nominated- CJ and Jonny Rye
DOD- Bateman for outrageous chat, the infamous ‘piano’ comment and being late dueot ratting before 10
Nominated- Stansfield and Patto (for missing the game to attend the vixen showday..)


Appendix 1
Please find attached a brief summary of the main points from the highly anticipated Vixen meal..
- Holcombe sweats an unnatural amount for a human being.
- Royals was bowled middle and off playing his favoured cut shot during predrink mini cricket.
- CJ took herbal Viagra during the meal to make himself even more irresistible to Vixen freshers.
- CJ was then promptly not let back into the dinner for pissing into the sea with a semi.
- To the delight of the Vixens Bateman got naked... Again
- Joony Coates learnt calling girls ‘butterz’ does not go down very well.
- Teas were rated at 9/10 let down by some disappointingly dry chicken.
- Bateman learnt that you should never steal Royal’s pudding.
- Mobile phone ‘blueflag’ is an excellent game to play at high class occasions
- Royals provided an excellent match report, with the Vixen freshers especially enjoying shoes by Holcombe and CJ.
- Sprucey WWH’d in the middle of the dancefloor after smashing a glass of wine next to a group of Vixens who were all in bear feet.
MOM- Rob Gill for a great suit, great chat and not making a Vixen cheat on their boyfriend
DOD- 1. Bateman for putting herbal Viagra in CJ’s drink and ordering lemon chicken despite not liking lemon.
2. CJ for not getting a boner.

P.S Patto’s whipped…

University of Bath 2nd XI Batting
Player name RunsMB4s6sSR
for 10 wickets
155 (40.4 overs)
  ct  Hudson b Sharma 73
  ct  Royals b Jones 0
  b  Bateman 0
  b  Jones 4
  ct  Stansfield b Royals 31
  b  Hudson 0
  st  Rye b Royals 6
  ct  Rye b Royals 3
  st  Rye b Hudson 19
  ct  Coates b Stansfield 2
  Not Out  4

SUCC 2nd XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Will Bateman10.0339139.003.90
Conor Jones8.0128214.003.50
Chris Royals10.0139313.003.90
Adam Hudson10.0042221.004.20
kumo sharma2.00515.002.50
Alex Stansfield0.40111.001.50

SUCC 2nd XI Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
for 10 wickets

(27.5 overs)
Jonny Rye Caught  1 1 2
Jonathan Coates Caught  7 1
kumo sharma Bowled  4
Jayden Clark Caught  20
William Holcombe Caught  0
Siegfried Wai Caught  5
Adam Hudson Stumped  0 1
Chris Royals Caught  0 1
Conor Jones Not Out  8
Alex Stansfield Caught  1 1
Will Bateman Bowled  2

University of Bath 2nd XI Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.