University of Exeter 4th XI v SUCC 2nd XI on Sun 18 May 2014 at 12:30
SUCC Won by 3 wickets

Match report At the end of a week in which one of the major news stories was that Robert Walden, chair of the Independent Schools Association, stated that private schools were the best source for teaching a child morals SUCC found themselves investigating this first hand as the 2s travelled to Exeter, where the multitude of factual inaccuracies in Mr Walden’s statement were made abundantly clear.
It was a day that started in an interesting manner as Jayden Clark turned up for the meet time half an hour late with his hair done having “literally just got out of bed” (Clark, 2014). Later investigations (the groin stretch) revealed that this lateness may have had something to do with a lady friend. The long trip to Exeter was livened up by Gareth attempting to drive through a car wash and then stalling the bus twice, some very interesting and unrepeatable sex stories and a nail biting game of wife in which Mills somehow avoided a loss despite calling a child. Having finally reached Exeter we were presented with a hard and fast track and a rapid outfield bathed in glorious sunshine. Sadly Royals called wrong at the toss and Wessex would take to the field first.
Wessex were braced to chase anything up to 250 on such a pitch but a readjustment was required as after 9 balls Exeter found themselves 0-3 courtesy of two wickets for Warner and one for Bateman. With Wessex having kittens and the Exeter number 5 getting padded up on the wicket it looked like the cricket may be a shorter experience than the journey to the South West, however Exeter put together a gritty partnership against strong bowling from Warner and Bateman that, despite the stick we gave them for some interesting shots, nearly proved crucial at the end. The introduction of Conor Jones to the attack provided the breakthrough and between the 17 over and 34 over drinks breaks Exeter added just 30 runs to the board for the loss of 3 wickets as Royals provided his usual (albeit occasionally turning) gribble, to be followed by Patto’s mystery medium pace. The introduction of overseas superstar Anu ‘we’re not a racist club’ Higgoda to the attack cleaned up the tail in short order. It was around this point that the first major incident of the day occurred as with Holcombe under a spiralling catch having run round to mid on from mid wicket an Exeter boy screamed “drop it”. Fortunately Holcombe ignored his advice and took an excellent catch and after a brief break for the umpires to (unsuccessfully) convince Exeter to cut it out the match continued and Anu picked up a 3fer, Exeter finishing on 116.
After a thoroughly underwhelming tea served on a table teeming with ants Mills and Gareth were sent out to open up. Having been skittled for 65 and 55 in our last two matches nothing was being taken for granted but a partnership of 51 against the thoroughly average bowling and downright disgraceful chat of Hennessy junior eased a lot of nerves. Royals’ decision at this point to refuse to let CJ and Bateman crack on with the beers proved prophetic as Mills departed LBW and in short order Gareth, Patto, Jayden, Anu and Holcombe were also taking off the pads as Exeter’s strong spin attack made great use of a track that was now turning square. With the noise level rising yet again and the chat highly questionable (Quite a few people were getting inexplicable BTEC chat, including A* AA engineering student Matt Warner) Jonny Rye looked to be leaving a trail of excrement behind him as he headed to the crease, and returned to the hutch one ball after the Exeter bowler deliberately threw the ball at him, this being the first and only direct hit on a batsman in 7 or 8 attempts through the innings, that £5 million cricket centre on campus sounds to me like a bargain. With the score now 88-7 Exeter had their tails up as Royals joined Warner at the crease. With some smart running and the odd big shot the 2012-13 SUCC couple of the year nominees knocked the runs off one by one, fighting off some excellent off spin from Kirby and not helped by the return of the vuvuzela with the ball half way to the batsman, which prompted the umpires to warn that if the chat and the vuvuzela continued the game would be called off and awarded to us. While the umpires were off the pitch dealing with the Exeter coach (yes their 4th XI has a coach) Warner and Royals were surrounded by the Exeter players, “There’s no umpires to protect you now” (EUMCC, 2014). The highly intelligent homophobic chat which included a probably accurate assessment that Warner would receive in any such relationship culminated in one of the Exeter players pleading with Royals to start a fight with him, offering him the first shot free. His exasperation at Royals’ refusal was matched by the Exeter team’s at the game which was slipping away from them. When Kirby bowled a rare loose ball that passed the keeper down the leg side, the Wessex pair scrambled back for three and the celebrations began, though Exeter seemed not to realise that it was a wide and the cover fielder broke down in hysterical laughter at SUCC’s “stupidity” which was cut short by a chirp from the middle of “that was a wide as well you fucking stupid cunt” (Royals, 2014). Sorry.
Our post match celebrations were interrupted by the Exeter players coming into our changing room to carry on their disgraceful on field antics and a visit from their coach who apologised for his team’s behaviour. After that a 10 man shower in a 4 man area commenced and SUCC left Topsham screaming “Exeters a shithole, I wanna go home” at full volume from the minibus. An eventful minibus ride back to Soton included fresher karaoke, with Holcombe’s being predictably awful and Jonny Rye offering to sing Angels before admitting he didn’t know the words. Our attempt to visit Stonehenge was sadly unsuccessful, Patto received his first WWH in a long time due to claiming that the signs we were following to Andover would take us to “the wrong Andover” (Paterson, 2014) before he pissed out the window and splattered it all over our faces. A naked last half hour of the long journey followed and after a lap of Glen Eyre we joined up with the 3s and over a pint informed Hennessy that his brother is a shit bloke.
A superb win and a great club effort in incredibly difficult and unprecedented circumstances and one the great club days. As for me that was my first ever win in BUCS cricket and I have to say it feels pretty good right now.
“Wessex came to Topsham town, now Exeter are going down, with a nick nack paddy wack give a dog a bone, SUCC are going home”
MoM – Warner
DoD - Jayden


University of Exeter 4th XI Batting
Player name RunsMB4s6sSR
for 10 wickets
116 (41.0 overs)
  b  Warner 0
  ct  Paterson b Bateman 0
  ct  Rye b Warner 0
  b  Jones 11
  ct  Jones 26
  b  Higgoda 24
  ct  Paterson 5
  b  Paterson 4
  ct  & Bowled Higgoda 3
  ct  Holcombe b Higgoda 16
  Not Out  0

SUCC 2nd XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Matthew Warner10.041829.001.80
Will Bateman7.0128128.004.00
Conor Jones8.0121210.502.63
Chris Royals7.011500.002.14
Ben Paterson6.011025.001.67
Anuruddha Higgoda3.001434.674.67

SUCC 2nd XI Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
for 7 wickets

(31.1 overs)
Tom Mills Lbw  31 6 1
Gareth King Lbw  20 3
Ben Paterson Caught  13 3 1
Jayden Clark Bowled  2
Anuruddha Higgoda Caught  6 1
William Holcombe Lbw  0 2
Matthew Warner Not Out  12 1
Jonny Rye Caught  0 1
Chris Royals Not Out  13 2
Conor Jones  
Will Bateman  

University of Exeter 4th XI Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.